How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
