There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
