Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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