dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Enjoy the penises
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
