don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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