Just took my morning after pill in the library
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize