I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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