She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
