If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
