He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
