we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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