You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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