I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
