So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
