I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
