ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
