I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
