Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
