I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He felt like a one man threesome
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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