She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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