Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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