So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
