Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
