I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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