No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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