I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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