Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
