A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
