I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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