My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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