grandma shit on top of the toilet
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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