quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
