When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
