I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
