I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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