I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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