youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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