every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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