I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
