i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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