After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
