I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
