I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
