mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
