I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
