all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
