trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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