Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
