I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need water and some morals
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
