Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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