You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
