chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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