i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
