He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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