You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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