she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She told me I should be a condom model.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
